GET BACK: (in Time)
here, painstakingly copied from my blog on "Crazy, Sexy Life" is my experience with Non-Hodgkin's Lymphoma from 2008 to 2009 and a 2011 update. "crazysexylife" started out as ''crazysexycancer" a site for cancer survivors with a positive outlook and sense of humor. I still stay in touch with some wonderful friends I met there. Being a major Beatles fan, I titled my posts after their songs and lyrics. lots of reading, whining and a bit pomposity (as in "I will forever eat nothing but healthy food" ha, well, I try)Thank You Girl (s and boys) or What a Long Strange Week It's Been
Sunday, June 1, 2008, 6:00:00 PM | Liz R
WARNING: THE BRAIN IN CHARGE OF WRITING THIS IS ON LOTS AND LOTS OF OXYCONTIN, BUT I KNOW THE TRUTH WILL GET THROUGH
Okay, first the medical stuff, and then what's important.
The cancerous b-cells in my spleen transformed from small cell and slow growing to large cell and aggressive. My spleen grew to 32 inches (explaining the pain) my tumor marker level blood counts tripled, my white blood count plummeted, (below 1,000 making me nutropeonic and very open to infection) my platelets and red cells also dropped, but more were given to me. At first my spleen was going to be taken out, but because of my wonderful timing (a holiday weekend) and what would have to be a wait till chemo was started, my oncologists decided to go with the chemo asap. Some good news, there were no large b-cells in my bone marrow. woo hoo
My stay at Fox Chase was very intense...new info and tests every day. The biggest surprise for someone who has, in the past couple years stopped taking even ibuprofen, was the level of pain killers I needed to feel human. And how quickly I adjusted to tubes and shots and tests. Much is to be said for the staff at Fox Chase. What an awesome group. From my superhero Oncologists Drs. Chasky and Smith to Mr. Eric who came in to clean the room and all the residents, nursing staff, techs between: every person was so caring and genuine. Bless them all.
The most important blessings I received: My family and friends.
My sweet, caring friends and family who showered me with love and prayers and kept up my spirits the entire week. The phone never looked so good as when I knew that on the other end, I could chat with my sister, my neices, my cousins, my friends...all my blessings. Getting visits was such a morale booster.
Thank you, sweet Claire for coming and giving me my favorite haircut to date! I love it!
My unbelievably beautiful and wonderful family who always know what to say and what to do and when I need them. I hope they know that I could not have made it through this week without them. Getting to see Dominic, Maria and Mikey (and I will see you soon, my little runny nosed Brendan!) really lifted my spirits like nothing else could. My brave little Dom, coming into see me even though he himself had just spent his own bad time in a hospital. Getting a hug from my sweet little blue-eyed Maria. With all they have going on, just having Damien and Kelly travel far out here meant so much. Seeing their smiles just lit up my world. Dr. Mikey Cutey Pa Tootey came out and gave me the absolutely best exam I've had yet. The hug was the very best therapy for me-ever. His Dad, Mike, holding down the fort at home (and losing sleep, I'm sure) so that Celena could be at the hospital meant the world to me. And where do I start with my two "True Angels: Nurse Mia and Nurse Celena?" Seeing those two beautiful heads bob up whenever I moved, knowing that they "had my back" at all times. (Sorry you never got to do your Sally Field impersonation, Mia, haha) I can never express all the gratitude and love for their presence. I didn't think we could ever feel closer or more loved, but I think this week took us to a higher, unimagined level. And the comic relief was priceless. Lots of good stories for the campfires to come.
And what can I say about my best buddy, my sweetheart, my Rock? We sure are putting that "through sickness and health" part to the test, eh, booballa? I know this rollercoaster ride was even scarier for you but you stayed strong for me. We'll hang on together, always.
So yes it was a tough week. But it was also a week to see just how tough we are and all the love we have in this outstanding circle of family and friends. And so it was an amazing week, too.
The only real tears I shed all week were those I cried when I prayed prayers of gratitude for all the love and care I recieved. Not once did I feel hopeless or lost. Not once. God has truly blessed me.
Peace, Liz
Okay, first the medical stuff, and then what's important.
The cancerous b-cells in my spleen transformed from small cell and slow growing to large cell and aggressive. My spleen grew to 32 inches (explaining the pain) my tumor marker level blood counts tripled, my white blood count plummeted, (below 1,000 making me nutropeonic and very open to infection) my platelets and red cells also dropped, but more were given to me. At first my spleen was going to be taken out, but because of my wonderful timing (a holiday weekend) and what would have to be a wait till chemo was started, my oncologists decided to go with the chemo asap. Some good news, there were no large b-cells in my bone marrow. woo hoo
My stay at Fox Chase was very intense...new info and tests every day. The biggest surprise for someone who has, in the past couple years stopped taking even ibuprofen, was the level of pain killers I needed to feel human. And how quickly I adjusted to tubes and shots and tests. Much is to be said for the staff at Fox Chase. What an awesome group. From my superhero Oncologists Drs. Chasky and Smith to Mr. Eric who came in to clean the room and all the residents, nursing staff, techs between: every person was so caring and genuine. Bless them all.
The most important blessings I received: My family and friends.
My sweet, caring friends and family who showered me with love and prayers and kept up my spirits the entire week. The phone never looked so good as when I knew that on the other end, I could chat with my sister, my neices, my cousins, my friends...all my blessings. Getting visits was such a morale booster.
Thank you, sweet Claire for coming and giving me my favorite haircut to date! I love it!
My unbelievably beautiful and wonderful family who always know what to say and what to do and when I need them. I hope they know that I could not have made it through this week without them. Getting to see Dominic, Maria and Mikey (and I will see you soon, my little runny nosed Brendan!) really lifted my spirits like nothing else could. My brave little Dom, coming into see me even though he himself had just spent his own bad time in a hospital. Getting a hug from my sweet little blue-eyed Maria. With all they have going on, just having Damien and Kelly travel far out here meant so much. Seeing their smiles just lit up my world. Dr. Mikey Cutey Pa Tootey came out and gave me the absolutely best exam I've had yet. The hug was the very best therapy for me-ever. His Dad, Mike, holding down the fort at home (and losing sleep, I'm sure) so that Celena could be at the hospital meant the world to me. And where do I start with my two "True Angels: Nurse Mia and Nurse Celena?" Seeing those two beautiful heads bob up whenever I moved, knowing that they "had my back" at all times. (Sorry you never got to do your Sally Field impersonation, Mia, haha) I can never express all the gratitude and love for their presence. I didn't think we could ever feel closer or more loved, but I think this week took us to a higher, unimagined level. And the comic relief was priceless. Lots of good stories for the campfires to come.
And what can I say about my best buddy, my sweetheart, my Rock? We sure are putting that "through sickness and health" part to the test, eh, booballa? I know this rollercoaster ride was even scarier for you but you stayed strong for me. We'll hang on together, always.
So yes it was a tough week. But it was also a week to see just how tough we are and all the love we have in this outstanding circle of family and friends. And so it was an amazing week, too.
The only real tears I shed all week were those I cried when I prayed prayers of gratitude for all the love and care I recieved. Not once did I feel hopeless or lost. Not once. God has truly blessed me.
Peace, Liz
It Won't Be Long: in fact, soon my hair will be gone!
Friday, June 13, 2008, 3:30:00 AM | Liz R
Well, my hair is starting to come out when I brush or even run my fingers through. I was surprised to find myself deeply disappointed that it was actually happening. I have some worries about what's hiding under my (for the moment) very thick head of hair. Also, I have feelings of anxiety over loss of control: up to now, I alone made the choice of telling someone that I had cancer or what was going on with my health in general. The bald head will now speak first. I am also a little sad because I just got my hair cut short and I really like how it looks and feels. (I know, such vanity) Hopefully whatever grows back will make me happy, too. On the positive side, what could be a better time to be bald than the summer? And think of the money I'll save on hair products!
The really good news is that my spleen is shrinking, my LDH level is down to the 700s (from 3,000 just 10 days ago) and I have weaned myself totally off the pain meds. I am on my way to good health; I wish my new haircut was along for the ride, but it's only hair. Five more rounds of R-CHOP to go!
Peace, Liz
The really good news is that my spleen is shrinking, my LDH level is down to the 700s (from 3,000 just 10 days ago) and I have weaned myself totally off the pain meds. I am on my way to good health; I wish my new haircut was along for the ride, but it's only hair. Five more rounds of R-CHOP to go!
Peace, Liz
I Feel Fine
Sunday, July 6, 2008, 12:03:28 AM | Liz R
Okay... This Monday, I have my first cat scan since my hospital stay. Last one was a disaster: giant tumor filled spleen, mentions of enlarged ovaries, various new swollen lymph glands. I am feeling great and my last exam went really well (on his report, the doctor used forms of the word "remarkable" three times in reference to my improvement. My last blood work up was vastly improved as well. I even gained five pounds in the past three weeks after losing 22 in two weeks - not that I needed the five, but my appetite is back in full force. yikes.
I really do feel fine. I still need naps and the grand kids tire me out a whole lot quicker. The stubble on my head continues to shed and the smooth patches are growing. I'm getting used to the quickly averted eyes which are better than the "poor you, you have cancer" eyes. ack.
But all in all, things are going well.
So why the apprehension for Monday's tests and seeing my docs
on Tuesday for the results??
I think I have been going through cycles when for a few days, I feel invincible and optimistic, a regular Pollyanna and then I dip down to the land of "Dammit, I have this stupid disease and it's a real pain in the ass and now I'm bald" and I worry about the future, etc. etc.
My new goal is going to be reducing those down days to maybe once a month. I'll make it my monthly Rage Against the Machine day... kind of like when I had pms, haha.
Meanwhile, I'll strive for peace and light and love....OOOOOOOOOOHHHHHHHHHMMMMMMMMM>>>>>>>>>> ; ) Peace, Liz
I really do feel fine. I still need naps and the grand kids tire me out a whole lot quicker. The stubble on my head continues to shed and the smooth patches are growing. I'm getting used to the quickly averted eyes which are better than the "poor you, you have cancer" eyes. ack.
But all in all, things are going well.
So why the apprehension for Monday's tests and seeing my docs
on Tuesday for the results??
I think I have been going through cycles when for a few days, I feel invincible and optimistic, a regular Pollyanna and then I dip down to the land of "Dammit, I have this stupid disease and it's a real pain in the ass and now I'm bald" and I worry about the future, etc. etc.
My new goal is going to be reducing those down days to maybe once a month. I'll make it my monthly Rage Against the Machine day... kind of like when I had pms, haha.
Meanwhile, I'll strive for peace and light and love....OOOOOOOOOOHHHHHHHHHMMMMMMMMM>>>>>>>>>> ; ) Peace, Liz
Getting Better
Tuesday, July 8, 2008, 10:30:00 PM | Liz R
The doctor used the words: "thrilled", "extremely happy" and "amazed" when he gave me the results of my scan and bloodwork. My spleen is now only 50% enlarged and tumor free when just six weeks ago it was filling half of my abdomen and causing tremendous havoc. The lymph nodes that were swollen have all gone down. My blood workup was not exactly normal, but better than before the "transformation" of indolent to aggressive lymphoma. All this after just two rounds of chemo. I told him it was meditation. prayer and whole foods. And attitude. (He just nodded and smiled)
I had to get a shot (neulasta) to boost my white blood cells which are waning because of the chemo. I am hoping this will help keep it up so I can work through chemo in September when school starts. Meanwhile I have to be careful for that second week after chemo. Nothing raw!! : ( And they are watching two cysts (kidney and ovaries) that may prove to be nothing. (sounds good to me!)
We went out and celebrated afterwards with dinner at a new sushi
restaurant. (brown rice and cooked fish for me, but I did
sneak in some avocado.)
I am just so filled with awe and gratitude. My family and friends have been so wonderful. Thanks to all of you for your prayers and for being part of something so nurturing and loving as this site has been for me. YAY!!!!!! Peace, Liz
I had to get a shot (neulasta) to boost my white blood cells which are waning because of the chemo. I am hoping this will help keep it up so I can work through chemo in September when school starts. Meanwhile I have to be careful for that second week after chemo. Nothing raw!! : ( And they are watching two cysts (kidney and ovaries) that may prove to be nothing. (sounds good to me!)
We went out and celebrated afterwards with dinner at a new sushi
restaurant. (brown rice and cooked fish for me, but I did
sneak in some avocado.)
I am just so filled with awe and gratitude. My family and friends have been so wonderful. Thanks to all of you for your prayers and for being part of something so nurturing and loving as this site has been for me. YAY!!!!!! Peace, Liz
I've Got a Feeling : my bones hurt
Wednesday, July 9, 2008, 10:20:12 PM | Liz R
Just when I'm feeling like I am handling chemo really well, get good test results and feel like I can go back to work while I'm doing this in September...my white blood count drops and I have to get a Neulasta shot. The onc nurse said there may be bone pain, but just take some motrin for it. Motrin, ha! I woke up this morning feeling like I spent the night under a moving truck. Motrin helped a little, and I'm about to try a hot salt bath, but I am actually considering taking an oxycontin so I can sleep- scary. I am going to research natural remedies if there are any for side effects such as this.
I am determined to get past this. If anyone has any past successes with pain relief, I'm all ears!
I am pissed off! I understand the importance of keeping my white blood
cell count up, but I would rather wear a mask and avoid raw
food for a week than go through this pain that feels like a bad
toothache that spread to different parts of my body. Arrrggghhhhh....
I think I need to meditate... Peace, Liz
I am determined to get past this. If anyone has any past successes with pain relief, I'm all ears!
I am pissed off! I understand the importance of keeping my white blood
cell count up, but I would rather wear a mask and avoid raw
food for a week than go through this pain that feels like a bad
toothache that spread to different parts of my body. Arrrggghhhhh....
I think I need to meditate... Peace, Liz
I'm So Tired...My Mind is on the Blink
Saturday, July 19, 2008, 11:38:54 PM | Liz R
I feel like chemo - this round anyway- has sucked all the energy from my mind and body. I had chemo 3 last Friday and by Monday night my headache was intense and my bones were screaming from a never again neulasta shot. I grudgingly went along with the doctor and my family and went to a local ER to get a cat scan to see if my head was truly going to explode. It wasn't. yippee I did have the fun of three people leaning on my chest and trying to access my port. After four sticks, they finally figured out they needed to flush it. ACCKKK! Then I was treated to the live drama of a young teen who drank too much vodka, screaming and carrying on with just two curtains between us. Turns out she had a relatively small amount of alchohol, but it affected her strongly. We got to hear "Stop touching my vagina" screamed over and over as they cathed her. (twice, she pulled it out) And then every fifteen minutes when her blood pressure cuff tightened, she screamed ouch OUCH OUCH IT HUUURRRTTTSSSS the entire time. Holy Crap.
My head was pounding and I was a minute away from sticking my bald head in her cubicle and screaming SHUT THE >>>>> UP!! This is so far from my character, but the urge was there.
My daughter Mia and I still found cause to laugh when we heard her sobbingly tell her parents that this was the first time she ever tried drinking and to please please don't blame (her boyfriend) CJ. uh,,,,Yeah, right.
At the point where the blood pressure cuff was causing a ruckus and by now no less than six family members had converged to her bedside, I had HAD IT. I got out of bed, grabbed my iv pole and holding my gown closed, walked down the hall with my worried daughter behind me, looking for another place to sit. A nurse saw us and quickly found another room far from the noise. Slept on an oh so uncomfortable gurney till 2 am
What a horrible night. Also, I was told my white and red blood counts were much too low. So much for the shot.
I have been not only physically beat, but mentally, I feel like a crazy lady. Brings back memories of PMS. I'm snapping at my loved ones, too tired to keep up with things and then totally depressed by it all.
Finally had some energy to go out and then wasted a nice night worrying about being stared out. It hasn't bothered me before, but tonight I almost snapped at a teen for staring. Sanity prevailed, but this is not like me at all and I don't like this side of myself at all.
Is chemo doing this?? Do I just need to snap out of it? What the heck is wrong with me! ? I am hoping two days of pranic healing this week will help. Meanwhile, I better do more meditating and maybe eat some dark chocolate. . Peace, Liz
My head was pounding and I was a minute away from sticking my bald head in her cubicle and screaming SHUT THE >>>>> UP!! This is so far from my character, but the urge was there.
My daughter Mia and I still found cause to laugh when we heard her sobbingly tell her parents that this was the first time she ever tried drinking and to please please don't blame (her boyfriend) CJ. uh,,,,Yeah, right.
At the point where the blood pressure cuff was causing a ruckus and by now no less than six family members had converged to her bedside, I had HAD IT. I got out of bed, grabbed my iv pole and holding my gown closed, walked down the hall with my worried daughter behind me, looking for another place to sit. A nurse saw us and quickly found another room far from the noise. Slept on an oh so uncomfortable gurney till 2 am
What a horrible night. Also, I was told my white and red blood counts were much too low. So much for the shot.
I have been not only physically beat, but mentally, I feel like a crazy lady. Brings back memories of PMS. I'm snapping at my loved ones, too tired to keep up with things and then totally depressed by it all.
Finally had some energy to go out and then wasted a nice night worrying about being stared out. It hasn't bothered me before, but tonight I almost snapped at a teen for staring. Sanity prevailed, but this is not like me at all and I don't like this side of myself at all.
Is chemo doing this?? Do I just need to snap out of it? What the heck is wrong with me! ? I am hoping two days of pranic healing this week will help. Meanwhile, I better do more meditating and maybe eat some dark chocolate. . Peace, Liz
All I've Got to Do...
Thursday, July 24, 2008, 7:50:04 AM | Liz R
Thank Goodness, this week is almost over. My counts were down to tiny numbers; no wonder I was so feeble in mind and body. My doctor called 4 hours after my bloodwork was done on Monday to tell me to avoid raw produce and crowds (danger of bacteria infection) So much for attending a play with my cuties in the special ed program. (They are in summer school, I am not working this summer) Oh well. Next week my levels should go up and I can visit before they end. I really do miss them. Especially J. who loves to squeeeezze arms and stomachs to say hello. He is a big boy and can really compress those ribs. I had to really avoid him towards the end of school when my spleen was enlarged.
Thanks to everyone who sent me words of encouragement. It helped me to step back, take a deep breath and give myself a break. I needed to relax and to regain my sense of humor about the whole thing. My daughters and I have been laughing about my ER experience or "Intervention: Live and In Your Face." We fondly refer to the young lady in the story as "Screaming Vagina Girl"
I have a really busy week coming up. When I know my energy level is going to improve, I start to plan - mostly fun stuff like lunches with friends, movie dates with the hubby and swimming with the grand kiddies- but also projects like cleaning up my computer files and organizing closets. We'll seee....
I am excited that I met my new chiropractor/naturopath yesterday. She is setting up a treatment plan for me including homeopathy, adjustments, and a form of accupuncture to relieve the side effects of chemo. She is also working on a detox plan for when chemo is over. We had a good time talking and I really like her. Yay. She uses low force chiropractic which is exactly what I was looking for.
Also, on my things to do list, we are trying to think of a good name for our team (Leukemia/Lymphoma "Light Up the Night" walk) The one idea we had wasn't um appropriate. Here's the story: When my dear mom was really really mad the best curse she could come up with was "Dirty BItches" Well, we use that all the time. When my daughters, daughter in law took me away for a fun weekend, we called ourselves "The Dirty Bitches" they even wrote it on my birthday cake, see?
we thought that would look great on t-shirts. but ok it is inappropriate for a family walk. We also thought of "Lovely Lady Lumps" (our pet names for my swollen lymph nodes) but ...yeah...inappropriate. So I am looking for ideas. Peace, Liz
Thanks to everyone who sent me words of encouragement. It helped me to step back, take a deep breath and give myself a break. I needed to relax and to regain my sense of humor about the whole thing. My daughters and I have been laughing about my ER experience or "Intervention: Live and In Your Face." We fondly refer to the young lady in the story as "Screaming Vagina Girl"
I have a really busy week coming up. When I know my energy level is going to improve, I start to plan - mostly fun stuff like lunches with friends, movie dates with the hubby and swimming with the grand kiddies- but also projects like cleaning up my computer files and organizing closets. We'll seee....
I am excited that I met my new chiropractor/naturopath yesterday. She is setting up a treatment plan for me including homeopathy, adjustments, and a form of accupuncture to relieve the side effects of chemo. She is also working on a detox plan for when chemo is over. We had a good time talking and I really like her. Yay. She uses low force chiropractic which is exactly what I was looking for.
Also, on my things to do list, we are trying to think of a good name for our team (Leukemia/Lymphoma "Light Up the Night" walk) The one idea we had wasn't um appropriate. Here's the story: When my dear mom was really really mad the best curse she could come up with was "Dirty BItches" Well, we use that all the time. When my daughters, daughter in law took me away for a fun weekend, we called ourselves "The Dirty Bitches" they even wrote it on my birthday cake, see?
we thought that would look great on t-shirts. but ok it is inappropriate for a family walk. We also thought of "Lovely Lady Lumps" (our pet names for my swollen lymph nodes) but ...yeah...inappropriate. So I am looking for ideas. Peace, Liz
All Together Now...Our Team has a name!
Monday, July 28, 2008, 9:37:19 PM | Liz R
Okay, after giving my daughter a list of ideas for our "Leukemia/ Lymphoma Light the Night Walk" team ( some good ones were already taken darnit ) a name was chosen:::::drumroll, please::::::::::
LIZ"S HAPPY FEET
We decided against using any reference to illness in the name (I kind of liked THE LOVIN SPLEENFUL but to anyone under the age of 45, it may have been too obscure)
Anyway, here is the logo I drew for our t-shirts:
We will color in the red balloons (cheaper to get printed in one color) and write in our names on them. The backs will say, Liz's Happy Feet Light the Night 2008 Peace, Liz
LIZ"S HAPPY FEET
We decided against using any reference to illness in the name (I kind of liked THE LOVIN SPLEENFUL but to anyone under the age of 45, it may have been too obscure)
Anyway, here is the logo I drew for our t-shirts:
Baby You Can Drive My Car (cause I can't)
Saturday, August 2, 2008, 2:35:46 PM | Liz R
Yep, between watering eyes and fatigue that has worsened, I really can't drive, especially at night. I have plenty of people who have offered to drive me, so I am very blessed in that respect.
The doctor talked me into getting another shot to boost my white blood cells. It's Neulasta which I thought I had last time, but the last shot was Neupogen. I was told the Neulasta shot may not affect me in the same way. Ok by me! I am hoping that the naturopath I am seeing can help with the eyes and runny nose. The doctor suggested Claritan or any OTC antihistamine.
Yesterday, I had a very long day at Fox Chase, arriving at 8:30 and leaving at 5:30. Bless my daughter who hung out with me all day since Mike had to work. Blood tests, then a Dr. visit and then nearly 6 hours of chemo. The Rituxumab takes forever. My blood counts were borderline low; a few points lower and chemo would have been delayed.
I was told my worsening fatigue stems both from the low blood counts, my anemia and the cumalitive effect of the chemo. I have just handed over this fatigue to my Higher Power. To be so frustrated is such a waste of very precious energy. I sit at the computer, sit a a giant jigsaw puzzle (one of those round ones of a painting of dolphins above and below the water) I watch silly movies, sillier 'make-over' shows and read, read . Then when my eyes start to bother me, I listen to music. At night I play meditation tapes (twin hearts, a pranic healing meditation is my favorite)
I am thinking work may be out of the question for me in September. My job is pretty high energy - lots of stairs, walking, chasing, toileting and keeping from getting bodily fluids on me, haha. It also involves lots of mental work - teaching, behavior work, record-keeping, schedules, etc... and well, the chemo brain might have a bit of trouble. I have my senior moments as it is. I have lots of sick days still (about 46 or so) Again, I consider myself blessed not having to worry about missing work. We now have a permanent "building sub" for paraprofessionals who will be able to fill in for me. The teacher I work with has become part of my family, visits regularly and will keep me updated on classroom activities. The other para in the room is also a good friend who keeps in touch and is always ready to help. My supervisors are understanding and very caring. Thanks, God!
Meanwhile, we are so excited about walking in the Light the Night walk for Leukemia and Lymphoma. The date is September 20 and the walk is only 2 miles. I might ride along with a friend who is bringing her scooter, haha. Actually it is a couple laps around the local college campus, so I will be able to rest often. So far we have about 15 team members and lots of kiddies. Can't wait! Peace, Liz
The doctor talked me into getting another shot to boost my white blood cells. It's Neulasta which I thought I had last time, but the last shot was Neupogen. I was told the Neulasta shot may not affect me in the same way. Ok by me! I am hoping that the naturopath I am seeing can help with the eyes and runny nose. The doctor suggested Claritan or any OTC antihistamine.
Yesterday, I had a very long day at Fox Chase, arriving at 8:30 and leaving at 5:30. Bless my daughter who hung out with me all day since Mike had to work. Blood tests, then a Dr. visit and then nearly 6 hours of chemo. The Rituxumab takes forever. My blood counts were borderline low; a few points lower and chemo would have been delayed.
I was told my worsening fatigue stems both from the low blood counts, my anemia and the cumalitive effect of the chemo. I have just handed over this fatigue to my Higher Power. To be so frustrated is such a waste of very precious energy. I sit at the computer, sit a a giant jigsaw puzzle (one of those round ones of a painting of dolphins above and below the water) I watch silly movies, sillier 'make-over' shows and read, read . Then when my eyes start to bother me, I listen to music. At night I play meditation tapes (twin hearts, a pranic healing meditation is my favorite)
I am thinking work may be out of the question for me in September. My job is pretty high energy - lots of stairs, walking, chasing, toileting and keeping from getting bodily fluids on me, haha. It also involves lots of mental work - teaching, behavior work, record-keeping, schedules, etc... and well, the chemo brain might have a bit of trouble. I have my senior moments as it is. I have lots of sick days still (about 46 or so) Again, I consider myself blessed not having to worry about missing work. We now have a permanent "building sub" for paraprofessionals who will be able to fill in for me. The teacher I work with has become part of my family, visits regularly and will keep me updated on classroom activities. The other para in the room is also a good friend who keeps in touch and is always ready to help. My supervisors are understanding and very caring. Thanks, God!
Meanwhile, we are so excited about walking in the Light the Night walk for Leukemia and Lymphoma. The date is September 20 and the walk is only 2 miles. I might ride along with a friend who is bringing her scooter, haha. Actually it is a couple laps around the local college campus, so I will be able to rest often. So far we have about 15 team members and lots of kiddies. Can't wait! Peace, Liz
With a Little Help From My Friends, (Ben and Jerry)
Tuesday, August 19, 2008, 1:37:57 PM | Liz R
Okay, okay... I know Ben and Jerry, their Chunky little pet Monkey and all that ice cream is bad for me. Really bad.
But I just sat down and ate some to comfort myself. And it did. Comfort me. And I don't feel guilty about it, well maybe a little, but I think the benefits outweighted the sugar. (Hey, I ate bananas and walnuts, too!) : ) It's been quite a while since it's been in my diet and it will be a long time if it reappears at all. But thanks, Ben, Jerry, I feel a bit more comforted. Just go now, and take your fat little monkey with you, ok?
I have been having discomfort in my spleen area again. I am in the middle of chemo; so my spleen should be shrinking, not hurting. I am hoping it's just some type of scar tissue from the biopsy done in early June or better yet, indigestion. It is worrisome to me because it's the same soreness I started out with back in May and ended up in the hospital for too long. My oncologist is on vacation and his Fellow moved up my contrast (yuck) scan for Thursday. She will call me Thursday evening or Friday morning with the results... gulp. I am praying and meditating on this and doing all I can to calm the panic (hence the ice cream) I have to check my temp every few hours in case I have an infection. A fever or any increase in pain and I am off to the ER. I am also having soreness in my lower back. Just great. Before I started hurting, I was planning at my next visit, to persuade my doctor to finish my chemo early, skipping the last round, because I had responded so well and so early. I am dealing with the panic, that is just below the surface with prayers meditation and now, without ice cream. I have some ginger and some extra dark chocolate if I need to pamper myself tomorrow. Thursday feels like it's so far away. My daughter will be here soon and I always have fun with her, so that will make the day go by quickly. I am praying that the doctor will just say this pain is gas and recommend an antacid. Can't wait to blog the good news on Friday! Peace, Liz
Good Day Sunshine!
Tuesday, August 26, 2008, 10:02:29 PM | Liz R
What a wonderful beautiful day.
I saw Dr. Smith today at Fox Chase. My cat scan looked good (spleen is now only 60% or so larger as opposed to nearly 400% larger as it was in late May.
My blood levels are mostly normal or closer to normal.
He didn't feel it would be a good idea to quit chemo now (it was just my suggestion since everything was looking so good) He explained the research and trials to me and I will go with his decision.
The only news I wasn't happy about was that my blood levels won't be up again till mid-October and I can't return to work until then. My energy level may not go up until 2 months later, but that is why I am seeing a holistic chiropractor who is going to put me on a detox program asap when chemo is over. I also discussed this with Dr. S and he gave me a timeline to start that (3 weeks after my last chemo)
I continue to be very tired and a bit nauseous, but going to the chiro is helping and I keep looking to the future when this is behind me as I know it will be. I am so grateful for such a wide and loving circle of friends and family who are keeping me uplifted with their good thoughts. prayers and helpfulness. God truly blessed me with such a wonderful support group. I keep all of you in my prayers each and every day.
Meanwhile, in other news.... I am a big fan of Ben Stiller, but I would not pay to see his new movie. Maybe because I work in a middle school and hear the word "retard" too much in the halls. Maybe because although I know the movie's makers were pointing out Hollywood's hypocrosies, but know that a majority of young people who see it won't pick up on that. They will just laugh at hearing the word "retard' again and again and laugh at the portrayal shown. Maybe because I know this will give more popularity and acceptance to a hateful word that hurts those who can't speak up for themselves and the family and friends who love them. ARRGGGHHHHHH!!!!! So anyway, I found this great little video, please share it... Peace, Liz
WOO HOO AND HO HO HO!
No more whining; now it's just gushing!!
Doctor Smith, my oncologist, has given me the ok to go back to work after the holidays!
All my blood levels are at a good place. He is at a loss as to why I am aching so badly.
He wants me tested for arthritis, etc. and advised me to take pain relievers at night so I could sleep. I am seeing a naturopathic doctor later this week and I feel more confident that she can help me with the pain.
I have to say I was a bit worried that the pain had something to do with the lymphoma returning, but now that I know that's not the case... I think that it is probably my body's reaction to all the chemo and having stage4 cancer. WHEW!
I am feeling very victorious, despite the soreness which I can now deal with.
I am so blessed to have come through this with so many GOOD people and things in my life as a result.
Here are some of them (in no special order:)
1. Meeting all the good friends here at CSL and reading Kris Carr's books
2. Learning about (and being the recipient of pranic healing)
3. Meditation and especially the wonderful people who I join for group meditation. They come to my house once a week on Fridays and we meet nearby every Tuesday evening.
4. Finding out just how much strength and endurance I possess... who knew??
5. Meeting the wonderful doctors, nurses and staff at Fox Chase Cancer Center... they are phenomenal!
6. I always knew my family, friends and coworkers were the salt of the earth, but it was awesome to feel that love so deeply.
7. I found out I have a nicely shaped skull, ha ha.
8. I bought myself lots of cute earrings : )
9. When I had no hair, I would be out and meet complete strangers with whom I immediately felt a kinship as we talked about our cancer experience.
10. My faith in God, and in myself has deepened and strengthened immeasurably (even before I came to be in remission)
Wow, I could probably keep going, but my butt and eyes are getting tired, ha. I feel like I was just handed a big gold statue on a stage. It would be a gold statue of a healthy lymph node. ewwww.
Here's my award:
Thank yew thank yew
Mike and I took a walk in the woods today at Valley Forge. It had just began to snow and we laughed as we walked, catching big feathery snowflakes on our eyelashes and tongues.
The snow had powdered every surface, transforming the woods into an ethereal magical kingdom. We began to see deer. They were everywhere. Some took off, springing high above the brush, their white tails flashing. Most just gazed back at us momentarily and then continued to graze.
Our laughter turned to whispers as we continued, the snow muffling our footsteps. The deer continued to appear all around us.
Our whispers soon turned to awe-filled silence. As we walked through a clearing, a falcon flew overhead in a wide soaring arc. A single cardinal called from deep in the woods.
Mike felt it too. We were in church. The presence of majesty, grace and sacredness overwhelmed us. We held each other as we walked silently.
It was hard to leave that place today. I took it with me as did Mike. This will forever be one of our "moments" ; those special times we've shared over the years. Moments that bring us closer even though we feel we are already as close as we can be.
I am so blessed to have found my soul mate in this life. sigh. Nothing can touch us. We have been through so much in our thirty six years together, especially lately and it has just made us closer and stronger. Today I believe we were given a gentle reminder of all the beauty and love to be found in our world. Thanks, God, I needed that! Peace, Liz
I admit it.
A visit to the cardiologist and an EKG showing some rapid heartbeats has convinced me to quit the caffeine. It's nothing serious, but it's starting to happen more regularly and when it shows up on a routine EKG, okay already.
When I first returned to work, I stopped my two cups a day suddenly and the result was a three day headache. yuch. I tried drinking green tea, green chai tea, roastorama, but nothing did it for me.
I know I should be juicing in the morning; that it would give me the boost I need. However, this past three weeks, it has been a challenge to just drag my still very sore bones out of my bed and put them in appropriate clothing and get to work. Just last week, as I was driving into the parking lot at school, I realized that I was wearing my husbands slippers on my feet. sigh.
So, as soon as I have this mastered and my bone pain has let up (I am trying to be very optimistic about the damn bones) I will go into "juicing" mode. It will require a lot more effort than I presently possess these mornings. Insomnia has been an occasional problem and it may be too much caffeine, ha ha sob.
The work I do demands a lot of me. I love it and I love the kids but I need something to get me going in the morning and decaf is not going to work just now.
I am going to wean slowly, starting with my favorite chicory laced coffee and blending in some good decaf, slowly... I have to find a decent decaf coffee. I like really strong, dark rich coffee, so this will take some time.
Oh Caffeine, I will miss you! : ( Peace, Liz
I saw Dr. Smith today at Fox Chase. My cat scan looked good (spleen is now only 60% or so larger as opposed to nearly 400% larger as it was in late May.
My blood levels are mostly normal or closer to normal.
He didn't feel it would be a good idea to quit chemo now (it was just my suggestion since everything was looking so good) He explained the research and trials to me and I will go with his decision.
The only news I wasn't happy about was that my blood levels won't be up again till mid-October and I can't return to work until then. My energy level may not go up until 2 months later, but that is why I am seeing a holistic chiropractor who is going to put me on a detox program asap when chemo is over. I also discussed this with Dr. S and he gave me a timeline to start that (3 weeks after my last chemo)
I continue to be very tired and a bit nauseous, but going to the chiro is helping and I keep looking to the future when this is behind me as I know it will be. I am so grateful for such a wide and loving circle of friends and family who are keeping me uplifted with their good thoughts. prayers and helpfulness. God truly blessed me with such a wonderful support group. I keep all of you in my prayers each and every day.
Meanwhile, in other news.... I am a big fan of Ben Stiller, but I would not pay to see his new movie. Maybe because I work in a middle school and hear the word "retard" too much in the halls. Maybe because although I know the movie's makers were pointing out Hollywood's hypocrosies, but know that a majority of young people who see it won't pick up on that. They will just laugh at hearing the word "retard' again and again and laugh at the portrayal shown. Maybe because I know this will give more popularity and acceptance to a hateful word that hurts those who can't speak up for themselves and the family and friends who love them. ARRGGGHHHHHH!!!!! So anyway, I found this great little video, please share it... Peace, Liz
Come Together
Thursday, September 11, 2008, 9:47:23 AM | Liz R
I haven't been on the computer much this week for two reasons. One is the bone pain in my pelvis, allowing me to sit only at five minute intervals. Hopefully by the weekend, it will be gone. The other reason is that it has been a busy, happy week:
I am head over heels happy because my house is filled with family. My son from Pittsburgh and his family moved in last weekend. I am totally thrilled. My daughter-in-law has always been just like my own daughter; we get along wonderfully. She is super helpful to me, as is my son. I just love their company,too. She is looking for a job with the school district, since both kids are in school. Maria started kindergarten and Dominic is in the Autistic Support program with great teachers whom I'm familiar with. We can give them so much more support with Dom's special needs with both of my other daughters being teachers...Celena teaches special ed, life skills and Mia will graduate next year with dual certification in elem/special ed.
It used to be rare to have the entire family all together, now we can do it every weekend! All the grandkids love each other so much and I love to watch them play together. Mikey, 6, looks out for Dominic in the sweetest way.
My ancient cat who, at an unbelieveable 20 years old, still thinks she is a dog,( she runs when called, plays fetch, and only wants to be petted and held) is thrilled. The kids come home from school and they all go play in the yard . She loves all the attention.
Well, my five minutes is about up and I will write more about our new extended family experience. So far it has been great. We're lucky that "this ole house" is big - five bedrooms- and we can all find our own space easily if we need to. This has been the best medicine for me EVER! Peace, Liz
I am head over heels happy because my house is filled with family. My son from Pittsburgh and his family moved in last weekend. I am totally thrilled. My daughter-in-law has always been just like my own daughter; we get along wonderfully. She is super helpful to me, as is my son. I just love their company,too. She is looking for a job with the school district, since both kids are in school. Maria started kindergarten and Dominic is in the Autistic Support program with great teachers whom I'm familiar with. We can give them so much more support with Dom's special needs with both of my other daughters being teachers...Celena teaches special ed, life skills and Mia will graduate next year with dual certification in elem/special ed.
It used to be rare to have the entire family all together, now we can do it every weekend! All the grandkids love each other so much and I love to watch them play together. Mikey, 6, looks out for Dominic in the sweetest way.
My ancient cat who, at an unbelieveable 20 years old, still thinks she is a dog,( she runs when called, plays fetch, and only wants to be petted and held) is thrilled. The kids come home from school and they all go play in the yard . She loves all the attention.
Well, my five minutes is about up and I will write more about our new extended family experience. So far it has been great. We're lucky that "this ole house" is big - five bedrooms- and we can all find our own space easily if we need to. This has been the best medicine for me EVER! Peace, Liz
What Goes On....
Thursday, September 25, 2008, 8:58:29 PM | Liz R
It was the best of weeks, the not so good of weeks and the worst of weeks.... Best because Mike and I FINALLY got away for a couple nights. We only went as far as Cape May, NJ, and the winds were so strong, that after wearing shorts on our beach walks, Mike no longer sports any leg hair after it was sandblasted off, but it was a VACATION. We kept our balcony door open all the time so we good see, feel and hear the ocean waves. Heavenly... We watched hawks, shopped for ridiculous stuff for the grandkids, giggled when we came down to breakfast at our Inn and realized that we were the YOUNGEST couple in the place, ate at some great restaurants and even went to a high tea. (Mike handled it very well; even when we were seated at the all "pink" table) We saw dolphins on our early morning beach walks and were twice approached by beautiful butterflies, a monarch that nearly landed on my shoulder and a mourning cloak that landed on our balcony near Mike's foot and stayed for almost a half hour. Butterflies always make me think of my mom.
Not So Good because it was my "low count" week with all the fun symptoms: fatigue, achiness, mouth sores,ug, and did I mention the fatigue? I started this week off with a trip to the ER after slicing my right hand while washing a drinking glass (it broke) So I had a big bandaged hand I had to keep checking for infection. I also had to get a tetanus shot that made my upper left arm sore and throbbing,
Worst, because we found out that my daughter's good friend lost her husband Jeremy to cancer. Jeremy had just been told a month ago that he would live to see his two sons (ages 5 months and 3 years old) graduate college. His cancer, he found out a week later had spread to his lungs and his bones. This was a couple who loved each other deeply, worked together (both special ed educators) and did everything together as a family. They were a joy to see and talk to. So young to go through all this... When I heard the message from my other daughter, I was in a gift shop in Cape May looking at angels, and getting ready to come home. It had just started to rain.... Rest gently, Jeremy.
Next week will be another challenging week. Pet scan on Wednesday, Bone Marrow Biopsy on Thursday and the wait for the following Tuesday to find out if my summer of chemo did what it had to and if I can return to work. I am praying for good results and staying positive that they will be SUPER WONDERFUL.
Last Saturday, nearly 50 of my dear friends, family and co-workers walked with me to "Light the Night" and raise money for the Leukemia and Lymphoma Society. The funds go to the local chapter and towards research. It was very uplifting and inspiring for me to be with all these great people. Go, Happy Feet Team!!!!!! We raised nearly 5,000.00 and had a great time together. I will have to post some of the awesome photos.
On that positive note, I will end. I have lots of prayers to say tonight. Peace, Liz
Not So Good because it was my "low count" week with all the fun symptoms: fatigue, achiness, mouth sores,ug, and did I mention the fatigue? I started this week off with a trip to the ER after slicing my right hand while washing a drinking glass (it broke) So I had a big bandaged hand I had to keep checking for infection. I also had to get a tetanus shot that made my upper left arm sore and throbbing,
Worst, because we found out that my daughter's good friend lost her husband Jeremy to cancer. Jeremy had just been told a month ago that he would live to see his two sons (ages 5 months and 3 years old) graduate college. His cancer, he found out a week later had spread to his lungs and his bones. This was a couple who loved each other deeply, worked together (both special ed educators) and did everything together as a family. They were a joy to see and talk to. So young to go through all this... When I heard the message from my other daughter, I was in a gift shop in Cape May looking at angels, and getting ready to come home. It had just started to rain.... Rest gently, Jeremy.
Next week will be another challenging week. Pet scan on Wednesday, Bone Marrow Biopsy on Thursday and the wait for the following Tuesday to find out if my summer of chemo did what it had to and if I can return to work. I am praying for good results and staying positive that they will be SUPER WONDERFUL.
Last Saturday, nearly 50 of my dear friends, family and co-workers walked with me to "Light the Night" and raise money for the Leukemia and Lymphoma Society. The funds go to the local chapter and towards research. It was very uplifting and inspiring for me to be with all these great people. Go, Happy Feet Team!!!!!! We raised nearly 5,000.00 and had a great time together. I will have to post some of the awesome photos.
On that positive note, I will end. I have lots of prayers to say tonight. Peace, Liz
It's Only Love
Monday, September 29, 2008, 8:10:51 PM | Liz R
I thought I'd cheer myself up after last week (see last blog) and this week, what with a pet scan done today, a bone marrow biopsy on Thursday (ouch ouch) and the long wait till October 7th when I find out the results. I am currently taking my temp every 4 hours because I have a really bad head cold and sore throat.
Okay, I'm finished whining...time for the show! I made this slideshow for some friends of my husband's he knew when he was in Europe in the Army during the late 60s. I found them on the internet to surprise him for his 60th birthday. It worked out so well. All parties involved were thrilled to be talking again. We've been exchanging phone calls and his friend Claire from England even made me a beautiful quilt (see in slideshow at the end) to keep me warm during chemo.
So now we are sending this video to Gloucester, England, Clearwater, Florida and Dallas, Texas.
Be sure to turn up the sound for one of my favorite songs by Cat Stevens (Yosef Islam now)....
Now, to pass the time, I'm working on a slideshow from the "Light the Night:" walk. I will need something to pass the time and keep occupied until October 7!!!! Slide show making and meditation. And laughing at Jon Stewarts sarcasm and jokes about the election.... GO OBAMA! Peace, Liz
Okay, I'm finished whining...time for the show! I made this slideshow for some friends of my husband's he knew when he was in Europe in the Army during the late 60s. I found them on the internet to surprise him for his 60th birthday. It worked out so well. All parties involved were thrilled to be talking again. We've been exchanging phone calls and his friend Claire from England even made me a beautiful quilt (see in slideshow at the end) to keep me warm during chemo.
So now we are sending this video to Gloucester, England, Clearwater, Florida and Dallas, Texas.
Be sure to turn up the sound for one of my favorite songs by Cat Stevens (Yosef Islam now)....
Now, to pass the time, I'm working on a slideshow from the "Light the Night:" walk. I will need something to pass the time and keep occupied until October 7!!!! Slide show making and meditation. And laughing at Jon Stewarts sarcasm and jokes about the election.... GO OBAMA! Peace, Liz
A Hard Day's Night (warning: major whining ahead)
Friday, October 3, 2008, 3:07:07 AM | Liz R
Today when it came time for my bone marrow biopsy, I thought,' Okay, I can do this" I went through some hairy situations earlier this year when I was in the hospital and I got through it. I don't need to demand further anesthesia, I can do this." DOH!
I will NEVER EVER get another bone scan without more medication. I can usually tolerate pain really well, but I feel absolutely traumatized by the pain I felt today. IT HURT. Badlly. Much more than I was expecting. It was so deep inside my bones (literally) and several times shot down my leg. All this even after I took a good dose of oxycontin and was shot fairly full of novacaine at the site. The needle had to be jiggled and wiggled out .
One very sweet nurse stayed by my side and rubbed my shoulders the entire time. I did Lamaze breathing but with a sinus infection and chest cold, it wasn't easy. I prayed, I thought of all the people who were praying for me and that is the only way I was able to get through the longest twenty minutes ever.
I couldn't wait to come home and have a good "alone cry"
The nurses seemed distressed to hear (after the biopsy) that I was still a little sore from the neulasta shot. (It always affects me the third week after chemo) I wonder if that is why the pain was so bad. The local couldn't touch the deep pain in my hip and legs as they were extracting and aspirating. My nurse hugged me and told me I "did a great job" I just love her and truly appreciate her tender bedside manner. I just don't understand... why a great job? Because I didn't punch anyone?
When I asked if I would be sore when the local wore off, the nurse told me," It will feel like you fell on an icy sidewalk" I thought this was an odd description, but now at 2:25 am, it makes sense. Only it feels more like I fell on an icy sidewalk right after a linebacker tackled me by headbutting my hip! Someone told me to get up and move around, and I am doing that. It hurts to walk.
Okay, I am now officailly through with whining about the bone marrow biopsy. Thank goodness for this blog, it allows me to vent without the guilt of bothering anyone. (haha, you were warned ahead of time!)
My husband Mike has been such a doll through all of this. He dutifully offered to go beat up anyone who hurt me. : ) and then gave me some dark chocolate and a long long hug.
My good friend Marie who took me today was great. She had me laughing till I cried with stories about her dear old aunt who mispronounces words in the most wonderful ways. (When she tried to remember and pronounce "Barack Obama" it came out " Albino Palarma" ) Marie actually writes some of them down.
It has been a long EDUCATING day in which I learned more about my limits.
Now comes the loooonnnnggg wait till Tuesday when I get all the results from my oncologist. I will be praying hard to get me through these very long nights. Sleep will be hard to come by. I hate waiting. Please say a little prayer that I get good results! Peace, Liz
I will NEVER EVER get another bone scan without more medication. I can usually tolerate pain really well, but I feel absolutely traumatized by the pain I felt today. IT HURT. Badlly. Much more than I was expecting. It was so deep inside my bones (literally) and several times shot down my leg. All this even after I took a good dose of oxycontin and was shot fairly full of novacaine at the site. The needle had to be jiggled and wiggled out .
One very sweet nurse stayed by my side and rubbed my shoulders the entire time. I did Lamaze breathing but with a sinus infection and chest cold, it wasn't easy. I prayed, I thought of all the people who were praying for me and that is the only way I was able to get through the longest twenty minutes ever.
I couldn't wait to come home and have a good "alone cry"
The nurses seemed distressed to hear (after the biopsy) that I was still a little sore from the neulasta shot. (It always affects me the third week after chemo) I wonder if that is why the pain was so bad. The local couldn't touch the deep pain in my hip and legs as they were extracting and aspirating. My nurse hugged me and told me I "did a great job" I just love her and truly appreciate her tender bedside manner. I just don't understand... why a great job? Because I didn't punch anyone?
When I asked if I would be sore when the local wore off, the nurse told me," It will feel like you fell on an icy sidewalk" I thought this was an odd description, but now at 2:25 am, it makes sense. Only it feels more like I fell on an icy sidewalk right after a linebacker tackled me by headbutting my hip! Someone told me to get up and move around, and I am doing that. It hurts to walk.
Okay, I am now officailly through with whining about the bone marrow biopsy. Thank goodness for this blog, it allows me to vent without the guilt of bothering anyone. (haha, you were warned ahead of time!)
My husband Mike has been such a doll through all of this. He dutifully offered to go beat up anyone who hurt me. : ) and then gave me some dark chocolate and a long long hug.
My good friend Marie who took me today was great. She had me laughing till I cried with stories about her dear old aunt who mispronounces words in the most wonderful ways. (When she tried to remember and pronounce "Barack Obama" it came out " Albino Palarma" ) Marie actually writes some of them down.
It has been a long EDUCATING day in which I learned more about my limits.
Now comes the loooonnnnggg wait till Tuesday when I get all the results from my oncologist. I will be praying hard to get me through these very long nights. Sleep will be hard to come by. I hate waiting. Please say a little prayer that I get good results! Peace, Liz
Here Comes the Sun!
Wednesday, November 5, 2008, 12:54:22 PM | Liz R
What a glorious day! Come January, we will have a new President Barack Obama. Last night was overwhelming. I cried with joy throughout Obama's speech. This morning, I've been smiling, laughing shedding tears of more joy and humming all morning. Hallelujah!
As I wrote earlier, in one month I have been blessed to hear these words: "You are in full remission" "President-elect Barack Obama" and of course, "The Phillies are World Series Champions!"(if you live in or near Philly, you'll understand)
I hear you, Universe, telling me my time for Revolution is here!
I feel reborn today. Last night I attended a group meditation and pranic healing session with friends.
In the silence, I listened.
In the past two weeks, I have been sore and aching, scared and sleepless. Still not allowing myself to be convinced that the cancer was gone from my body, even after I was given the beautiful words "You are in full remission." I stressed that the pain I was feeling was something the doctors and tests had missed. And I stressed that I was "manifesting" myself sick and should stop. It was an endless cycle of self doubt and crimination. I spoke with my oncologist who feels the pain is unrelated to lymphoma (with the absence of other symptoms) I should have felt relieved, but instead, I felt miserable.
Meanwhile, I was stress-eating all the stuff I know I shouldn't... sugar, snacks, white stuff (potatoes, rice)...
Now I am mindful of the effects of a bad diet but I was blinded by the self doubt and guilt. How could I not realize that the reason I am hurting so badly is because I am loading my body with CRAP!
Last night was a real DOH! moment where I almost smacked my forehead during meditation.
And so it was that on the same night that our country came together to bring hope and change to these troubled times, my brain, heart and soul all woke up together and realized that my own life needs said hope and CHANGE.
I am writing it here because I know I will find support and inspiration from all who dwell here. I cannot do it alone. I know WHAT I have to do (Choose healthy foods, Exercise, Use my talents) I will have to meditate more and seek help on the HOW of it all. CSL will be not only my library, but my meeting hall. All of its wonderful members, my friends all, will be my "sponsors"
I have spoken to my chiropractor, whom I haven't seen for a while and who is now writing up a plan for me that includes cleansing, energizing and strengthening my immunity.
So off we go, my country and I, leaving the darkness of self doubt, worry and blame behind. Here comes the sun! Wish us both luck! Peace, LIz
As I wrote earlier, in one month I have been blessed to hear these words: "You are in full remission" "President-elect Barack Obama" and of course, "The Phillies are World Series Champions!"(if you live in or near Philly, you'll understand)
I hear you, Universe, telling me my time for Revolution is here!
I feel reborn today. Last night I attended a group meditation and pranic healing session with friends.
In the silence, I listened.
In the past two weeks, I have been sore and aching, scared and sleepless. Still not allowing myself to be convinced that the cancer was gone from my body, even after I was given the beautiful words "You are in full remission." I stressed that the pain I was feeling was something the doctors and tests had missed. And I stressed that I was "manifesting" myself sick and should stop. It was an endless cycle of self doubt and crimination. I spoke with my oncologist who feels the pain is unrelated to lymphoma (with the absence of other symptoms) I should have felt relieved, but instead, I felt miserable.
Meanwhile, I was stress-eating all the stuff I know I shouldn't... sugar, snacks, white stuff (potatoes, rice)...
Now I am mindful of the effects of a bad diet but I was blinded by the self doubt and guilt. How could I not realize that the reason I am hurting so badly is because I am loading my body with CRAP!
Last night was a real DOH! moment where I almost smacked my forehead during meditation.
And so it was that on the same night that our country came together to bring hope and change to these troubled times, my brain, heart and soul all woke up together and realized that my own life needs said hope and CHANGE.
I am writing it here because I know I will find support and inspiration from all who dwell here. I cannot do it alone. I know WHAT I have to do (Choose healthy foods, Exercise, Use my talents) I will have to meditate more and seek help on the HOW of it all. CSL will be not only my library, but my meeting hall. All of its wonderful members, my friends all, will be my "sponsors"
I have spoken to my chiropractor, whom I haven't seen for a while and who is now writing up a plan for me that includes cleansing, energizing and strengthening my immunity.
So off we go, my country and I, leaving the darkness of self doubt, worry and blame behind. Here comes the sun! Wish us both luck! Peace, LIz
All You Need is Love, Love is All You Need
Thursday, December 11, 2008, 9:53:40 PM | Liz R
On a miserable wet and achy December day, I am feeling so warm and loved. The past summer's experience feels like an odd dream on a bad night many years ago.
Next Tuesday, the doctor will tell me what I already know in my heart... I am free of cancer. My hair is growing back (very thick and gray), I am slowly gaining more energy and other than the stubborn bone achiness, I feel fine.
The "Help From My Friends?" I am surrounded by angels.
My family and friends without a doubt, shone through for me and lifted me over all the bad stuff.
A teacher at school. Kim, that I just met this past year began coming to my house twice a week to do pranic healing for me. It kept me positive and focused throughout my treatments. She now conducts a weekly healing and meditation at my house and we invite teachers and assistants. It is very powerful and we have heard many success stories. She is holding a full moon meditation/healing at her home this Friday night. I am so grateful for Kim in my life. She has been a life saver, an inspiration and just an all around sweet person. She and several of my close co workers have visited me on a regular basis, bringing me cheer and love.
Last week, I found out that I am surrounded by even MORE angels at work.
I work in a school district of about 1000 or so employees (teachers and support staff). I have missed more than 5 months of work (Thank Goodness, I am off in the summer) and my sick days ran out last week. Through our union, we have a "sick day bank" where members can contribute sick days to those who need them. My beautiful work family donated enough sick days that I will be covered until January with no loss of income. Truly angels and I am truly blessed.
I also find many angels on these web pages. The prayers and good thoughts of those I've met on CSL have lifted me and helped me get through some awful times. There is nothing encouragement from others with whom so much is shared.
So I am basking in the brilliant light from all the angels that surround me. I hope and pray that I can live my life in a way that carries on all the light, love and kindness that has been given to me. Peace, Liz
Next Tuesday, the doctor will tell me what I already know in my heart... I am free of cancer. My hair is growing back (very thick and gray), I am slowly gaining more energy and other than the stubborn bone achiness, I feel fine.
The "Help From My Friends?" I am surrounded by angels.
My family and friends without a doubt, shone through for me and lifted me over all the bad stuff.
A teacher at school. Kim, that I just met this past year began coming to my house twice a week to do pranic healing for me. It kept me positive and focused throughout my treatments. She now conducts a weekly healing and meditation at my house and we invite teachers and assistants. It is very powerful and we have heard many success stories. She is holding a full moon meditation/healing at her home this Friday night. I am so grateful for Kim in my life. She has been a life saver, an inspiration and just an all around sweet person. She and several of my close co workers have visited me on a regular basis, bringing me cheer and love.
Last week, I found out that I am surrounded by even MORE angels at work.
I work in a school district of about 1000 or so employees (teachers and support staff). I have missed more than 5 months of work (Thank Goodness, I am off in the summer) and my sick days ran out last week. Through our union, we have a "sick day bank" where members can contribute sick days to those who need them. My beautiful work family donated enough sick days that I will be covered until January with no loss of income. Truly angels and I am truly blessed.
I also find many angels on these web pages. The prayers and good thoughts of those I've met on CSL have lifted me and helped me get through some awful times. There is nothing encouragement from others with whom so much is shared.
So I am basking in the brilliant light from all the angels that surround me. I hope and pray that I can live my life in a way that carries on all the light, love and kindness that has been given to me. Peace, Liz
Get Back! (to work! In January!)
Wednesday, December 17, 2008, 1:30:00 PM | Liz R
WOO HOO AND HO HO HO!
No more whining; now it's just gushing!!
Doctor Smith, my oncologist, has given me the ok to go back to work after the holidays!
All my blood levels are at a good place. He is at a loss as to why I am aching so badly.
He wants me tested for arthritis, etc. and advised me to take pain relievers at night so I could sleep. I am seeing a naturopathic doctor later this week and I feel more confident that she can help me with the pain.
I have to say I was a bit worried that the pain had something to do with the lymphoma returning, but now that I know that's not the case... I think that it is probably my body's reaction to all the chemo and having stage4 cancer. WHEW!
I am feeling very victorious, despite the soreness which I can now deal with.
I am so blessed to have come through this with so many GOOD people and things in my life as a result.
Here are some of them (in no special order:)
1. Meeting all the good friends here at CSL and reading Kris Carr's books
2. Learning about (and being the recipient of pranic healing)
3. Meditation and especially the wonderful people who I join for group meditation. They come to my house once a week on Fridays and we meet nearby every Tuesday evening.
4. Finding out just how much strength and endurance I possess... who knew??
5. Meeting the wonderful doctors, nurses and staff at Fox Chase Cancer Center... they are phenomenal!
6. I always knew my family, friends and coworkers were the salt of the earth, but it was awesome to feel that love so deeply.
7. I found out I have a nicely shaped skull, ha ha.
8. I bought myself lots of cute earrings : )
9. When I had no hair, I would be out and meet complete strangers with whom I immediately felt a kinship as we talked about our cancer experience.
10. My faith in God, and in myself has deepened and strengthened immeasurably (even before I came to be in remission)
Wow, I could probably keep going, but my butt and eyes are getting tired, ha. I feel like I was just handed a big gold statue on a stage. It would be a gold statue of a healthy lymph node. ewwww.
Here's my award:
Thank yew thank yew
Eight Days a Week
Sunday, January 11, 2009, 1:40:22 PM | Liz R
Oh, you mean there were only seven this past week??? Really?
I just completed my first week back to work after seven months. I am happy but really beat. We had a new student thrown into the mix on Thursday, very unexpected and with quite a lot of behavior issues. It upset the whole balance of the classroom and I was just getting the swing of things. Balance is important in an autistic support classroom... we have several students who are set off by bad behavior of any kind and the dominoes were falling! The teacher I work with said she felt like we were firefighters putting out "fires" all day. It was really hectic and everyone went home exhausted on Friday.
Thankfully, I went to a Full Moon of Capricorn guided group meditation on Friday night and it was awesome. Our group is so diverse and everyone brings such beautifully diverse personalities and talents. It helped to center me so I could do another week. I am now looking at life in sets of weeks until I get all my stamina back. Slowly but surely I will get there.
Hopefully this week will be easier and less stressful. My friend who helped me so much with pranic healing offered to come and do a healing for our classroom... I know it will help greatly.
After resting most of the weekend (I took down all the Christmas decorations yesterday) and destressing by reading all the great posts on this site, I am ready to roll with another week... Namaste!
I just completed my first week back to work after seven months. I am happy but really beat. We had a new student thrown into the mix on Thursday, very unexpected and with quite a lot of behavior issues. It upset the whole balance of the classroom and I was just getting the swing of things. Balance is important in an autistic support classroom... we have several students who are set off by bad behavior of any kind and the dominoes were falling! The teacher I work with said she felt like we were firefighters putting out "fires" all day. It was really hectic and everyone went home exhausted on Friday.
Thankfully, I went to a Full Moon of Capricorn guided group meditation on Friday night and it was awesome. Our group is so diverse and everyone brings such beautifully diverse personalities and talents. It helped to center me so I could do another week. I am now looking at life in sets of weeks until I get all my stamina back. Slowly but surely I will get there.
Hopefully this week will be easier and less stressful. My friend who helped me so much with pranic healing offered to come and do a healing for our classroom... I know it will help greatly.
After resting most of the weekend (I took down all the Christmas decorations yesterday) and destressing by reading all the great posts on this site, I am ready to roll with another week... Namaste!
There's a Place
Tuesday, January 20, 2009, 12:00:00 AM | Liz R
The snow had powdered every surface, transforming the woods into an ethereal magical kingdom. We began to see deer. They were everywhere. Some took off, springing high above the brush, their white tails flashing. Most just gazed back at us momentarily and then continued to graze.
Our laughter turned to whispers as we continued, the snow muffling our footsteps. The deer continued to appear all around us.
Our whispers soon turned to awe-filled silence. As we walked through a clearing, a falcon flew overhead in a wide soaring arc. A single cardinal called from deep in the woods.
Mike felt it too. We were in church. The presence of majesty, grace and sacredness overwhelmed us. We held each other as we walked silently.
It was hard to leave that place today. I took it with me as did Mike. This will forever be one of our "moments" ; those special times we've shared over the years. Moments that bring us closer even though we feel we are already as close as we can be.
I am so blessed to have found my soul mate in this life. sigh. Nothing can touch us. We have been through so much in our thirty six years together, especially lately and it has just made us closer and stronger. Today I believe we were given a gentle reminder of all the beauty and love to be found in our world. Thanks, God, I needed that! Peace, Liz
Good Morning Good Morning
Saturday, January 24, 2009, 3:30:00 PM | Liz R
I admit it.
A visit to the cardiologist and an EKG showing some rapid heartbeats has convinced me to quit the caffeine. It's nothing serious, but it's starting to happen more regularly and when it shows up on a routine EKG, okay already.
When I first returned to work, I stopped my two cups a day suddenly and the result was a three day headache. yuch. I tried drinking green tea, green chai tea, roastorama, but nothing did it for me.
I know I should be juicing in the morning; that it would give me the boost I need. However, this past three weeks, it has been a challenge to just drag my still very sore bones out of my bed and put them in appropriate clothing and get to work. Just last week, as I was driving into the parking lot at school, I realized that I was wearing my husbands slippers on my feet. sigh.
So, as soon as I have this mastered and my bone pain has let up (I am trying to be very optimistic about the damn bones) I will go into "juicing" mode. It will require a lot more effort than I presently possess these mornings. Insomnia has been an occasional problem and it may be too much caffeine, ha ha sob.
The work I do demands a lot of me. I love it and I love the kids but I need something to get me going in the morning and decaf is not going to work just now.
I am going to wean slowly, starting with my favorite chicory laced coffee and blending in some good decaf, slowly... I have to find a decent decaf coffee. I like really strong, dark rich coffee, so this will take some time.
Oh Caffeine, I will miss you! : ( Peace, Liz
Act (and eat) Naturally...`
Sunday, February 1, 2009, 8:00:00 PM | Liz R
Mike and I went to the naturopath chiropractor last Monday.
She put us both on a sugar fast after making the needed adjustments and put me on multi-enzymes and curcumin for the bone pain. She also instructed me that I should be drinking 1 quart of water for each 50 lbs of body weight. Yikes, that's a lot.
So far, so good (with the diet) I've been making smoothies all weekend. I don't know if I can manage in the mornings during the week, but I am going to try on Tues and Thurs. Little steps.
My diet so far:
For breakfast, I've been having a piece of sprouted wheat toast with sliced tomatoes, cheese and an egg or yogurt with blueberries.
Lunch: greek yogurt with cashews,blueberries, cut up apples or a green salad.
Dinner: I am still eating meat, but hormone free and not a lot. and fish, too.
Also, we have to make sure we eat every two hours so we bought raw cashews and munch a couple when we need to. I keep a bag at work as does Mike.
I am still very sore and stiff. I can hardly move my hands and my hips are throbbing in the morning and at night. Going up and down steps is slow and painful in the am and a little better as the day goes on until night when the pain worsens. The oncologist said maybe I have arthritis, but do you get arthritis in one month? At work, I can't sit on the floor with the kids like I used to and if I sit on anything lower than my knees, I need to hold onto something to get up. I am so sick and tired of feeling these aches and pains and I rarely discuss it with anyone because I'm just sick of it! Mike gets upset to see me in pain and I'm sad for him. Hopefully I will see an end to this pain soon.
Ok, done with complaining.
Went to see the funniest play today. The acting company that my daughter works with (her roomate is one of the directors) put on "The Compleat Works of Wllm Shkspr Abridged" at our local cultural center.
It is a hilarious play: all the works of Shakespear done in a two hour play by three guys. Hysterical. I'm going back to see it again with some friends this weekend. All the Philly papers gave them rave reviews.
My grandson goes to Children's hospital on Wednesday for results of all the tests and the biopsy. Thanks to all my CSL friends and my friends at home for all the prayers.
I'm working on a charcoal sketch for my friend who does Pranic Healing. After I finish and spray it, maybe I'll scan it here on the Art group. I should do artwork more often. It really puts me in "the zone" and it feels right.
I think my bedtime is coming up... my eyes are getting hhhheeeaaavvvvy.
Peace and abundant blessings to all my lovely friends who are reading this..... Peace, Liz
She put us both on a sugar fast after making the needed adjustments and put me on multi-enzymes and curcumin for the bone pain. She also instructed me that I should be drinking 1 quart of water for each 50 lbs of body weight. Yikes, that's a lot.
So far, so good (with the diet) I've been making smoothies all weekend. I don't know if I can manage in the mornings during the week, but I am going to try on Tues and Thurs. Little steps.
My diet so far:
For breakfast, I've been having a piece of sprouted wheat toast with sliced tomatoes, cheese and an egg or yogurt with blueberries.
Lunch: greek yogurt with cashews,blueberries, cut up apples or a green salad.
Dinner: I am still eating meat, but hormone free and not a lot. and fish, too.
Also, we have to make sure we eat every two hours so we bought raw cashews and munch a couple when we need to. I keep a bag at work as does Mike.
I am still very sore and stiff. I can hardly move my hands and my hips are throbbing in the morning and at night. Going up and down steps is slow and painful in the am and a little better as the day goes on until night when the pain worsens. The oncologist said maybe I have arthritis, but do you get arthritis in one month? At work, I can't sit on the floor with the kids like I used to and if I sit on anything lower than my knees, I need to hold onto something to get up. I am so sick and tired of feeling these aches and pains and I rarely discuss it with anyone because I'm just sick of it! Mike gets upset to see me in pain and I'm sad for him. Hopefully I will see an end to this pain soon.
Ok, done with complaining.
Went to see the funniest play today. The acting company that my daughter works with (her roomate is one of the directors) put on "The Compleat Works of Wllm Shkspr Abridged" at our local cultural center.
It is a hilarious play: all the works of Shakespear done in a two hour play by three guys. Hysterical. I'm going back to see it again with some friends this weekend. All the Philly papers gave them rave reviews.
My grandson goes to Children's hospital on Wednesday for results of all the tests and the biopsy. Thanks to all my CSL friends and my friends at home for all the prayers.
I'm working on a charcoal sketch for my friend who does Pranic Healing. After I finish and spray it, maybe I'll scan it here on the Art group. I should do artwork more often. It really puts me in "the zone" and it feels right.
I think my bedtime is coming up... my eyes are getting hhhheeeaaavvvvy.
Peace and abundant blessings to all my lovely friends who are reading this..... Peace, Liz
If I Fell... er, WHEN I fell... WARNING: MAJOR VENT!
Sunday, February 8, 2009, 10:12:26 AM | Liz R
As if I am not aching enough, I fell (I have raised klutziness to a fine art) the other day in my cement floored laundry room. I landed on my left hand and wrist and left knee. I went down slowly and that was good. My cat came over while I cried and licked my face... I wasn't crying from pain, I was crying because what the hell! I was so mad! I haven't had a morning or night without this pain in my shoulders, hips, legs and now even my hands are stiff and sore. I am now unable to make a strong fist and it is hard to hold anything firmly in my hands until I've been moving them for an hour or so.
I am seeing a naturopath who reassures me that I will see an end to this, but meanwhile I am so frustrated and exhausted from this. It has been over three months. I can see how people who have severe injuries become depresses by the chronic pain. How can you live with this?
I consider myself to have a high tolerance for pain. I gave birth three times with no anesthesia, don't usually take much time to heal from injuries, etc. But I don't know what to do with this.
My dear husband who is very worried about me, constantly wants to know how I'm feeling and I have been snapping back and crying easily... not to mention my recent absentmindedness which is beginning to worry me. I am forgetting dates, appointments, and in one case I was insisting it was Tuesday when it was actually Wednesday! And I had spent the day at work...on a Wednesday schedule! I've left the stove on twice in one week, lost my keys almost daily and have lost my temper at the drop of a hat!
I hope I see some improvement and soon with my doctor. I will give her treatments another week and after that I will have to look into something else. I can't go on like this!
Peace, Liz
I am seeing a naturopath who reassures me that I will see an end to this, but meanwhile I am so frustrated and exhausted from this. It has been over three months. I can see how people who have severe injuries become depresses by the chronic pain. How can you live with this?
I consider myself to have a high tolerance for pain. I gave birth three times with no anesthesia, don't usually take much time to heal from injuries, etc. But I don't know what to do with this.
My dear husband who is very worried about me, constantly wants to know how I'm feeling and I have been snapping back and crying easily... not to mention my recent absentmindedness which is beginning to worry me. I am forgetting dates, appointments, and in one case I was insisting it was Tuesday when it was actually Wednesday! And I had spent the day at work...on a Wednesday schedule! I've left the stove on twice in one week, lost my keys almost daily and have lost my temper at the drop of a hat!
I hope I see some improvement and soon with my doctor. I will give her treatments another week and after that I will have to look into something else. I can't go on like this!
Peace, Liz
I'm (or will be) So Happy Just to Dance With You!
Monday, September 5,
2011, 8:30:00 PM | Liz R
When we have a family get together and there is lots of cooking in the kitchen, the radio is always full blast and there is ALWAYS dancing. My loveliest memories are of dancing with my husband, my children and these days, my four beautiful grandchildren (ages 4 to 11)…in the kitchen.
When I first filled in my "profile page" here, it asked for my mission statement. I wrote:
"I intend to to dance and play with my great-grandchildren."
So, two and a half years later.... I am still in remission (yay) still trying my best to eat healthy (eating vegan except for seafood now and then) still meditating and learning about pranic healing. After reading my blogs through, I was pleasantly surprised that I had forgotten most of the "stuff" I dealt with as I lived through "the cancer experience."
I will never forget, however, the love and grace of the people who carried me through the experience. Amazing people who are still (and I hope always) in my life.
This October, as I celebrate three years of remission, I will be walking and carrying a lit-up white balloon in the "Light the Night" walk for the Leukemia and Lymphoma Society. I am feeling a mixture of joy, sadness and hope as I walk. I will feel Joy that I am healthy and blessed with loving family and friends (who will be walking with me) I will feel deep sadness for my cousin Bill who lost his year long battle with leukemia just this past Christmas. The world is definitely a bit duller without Bill in it. I miss him. I will also feel hope for our little cousin Alana, age 4, who is doing well in her fight with leukemia. She will be going to Disney thanks to Make a Wish, to have lunch with all her favorite Princesses. I am inspired by her smile and her courage.
I continue to go to Fox Chase Cancer Center for my check-ups. I recently graduated to four month check-ups and soon it will be only once a year scans. Another year and I am hoping to get my port removed. Then it will really be over. : )
This Thanksgiving and Christmas I will be dancing in the kitchen with my kids and grandkids. The "grands' are growing up so quickly. I still have my goal of dancing with my GREAT grandchildren, and I know I will reach that goal. I smile at the thought.
So I suppose it is a good place to end this blog for now. Thanks for reading and all your beautiful comments.
Peace and Remember:
"The love you take is equal to the love you make!" Peace, Liz
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